The Grandcritter’s First Festivus

Shunning the commercialization of Christmas*/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Santaween/Chrismukkah, we’re again celebrating Festivus (for the rest of us) here at The Irresponsible Reader. But this time, we’re doing something extra special—my Grandcritter is joining us as I share with him the wonders of the day.

And no…this isn’t just an excuse for a proud grandparent to show you all pictures of this adorable guy. You’re just going to have to take my word for that.

Let’s begin our observance!

We start by setting up the Festivus pole. See how he’s taking in the very high strength-to-weight ratio (because it’s a mighty fine pole) and how he’s fascinated by it without any need for distracting tinsel. It’s very important to take in the simplicity.

And now, let the Airing of Grievances begin.

I initially assumed that I’d be handling this myself, the kid’s not even a year old. So, sure he has a gripe or two, but they can’t be book-related, can they? Turns out they can.

The Grandcritter’s Grievances

Board Books need to taste better! Sure, the texture is interesting and provides an interesting mouthfeel. But the taste is rather plain. Can’t we get something that tastes like food mixed into that coating on every page?

Related to that, try as I might, I cannot fit an entire book into my mouth at once. I don’t know if it’s a me problem or a publishing/book design problem, but I think it’s the latter. I don’t know why, but I think it would be really satisfying if I could just get one to fit the whole way, you know?

(Grandpappy’s original idea for my Feat of Strength was to get a picture of me trying to pull this off, but Mommy wouldn’t let him. Apparently, he’s supposed to discourage that, not try to get me to do it. I’d make this a Grievance, too. But Mommy probably knows best, and Grandpappy says I should wait at least 13 years before pushing back like that in public.)

I’ve got a beef with the people that make those “Indestructibles” books for people my age. Do they not understand how satisfying it is to rip a page in a book (and maybe to stuff it in your mouth)? That sound…that feeling of power…it’s so good. And then these mean grown-ups make it so my people can’t do that? It’s the worst. (also, Grandpappy says they’d do better selling multiple copies of books when adults replace the ones with missing pages)

Lastly, my TBR is too huge! I’m never going to catch up at this point. Never mind the books that Mommy and Daddy have picked out for me, or that I might be interested in—do you have any idea how long the list that my Grandpappy has for me is??? Talk about Irresponsible…

Grandpappy’s Grievances

(Yes, some of these are only slightly revised from previous Festivus posts. This is to be expected, it’s not like the entire universe fixed itself after I threw up a few posts. I’ve got to keep up the pressure.)

AI’s takeover of publishing, from covers to audiobook narrations to writing and illustrating! It’s just too much. This is about human creativity, not close approximations of it. Also, you’d think that people who publish/sell/read dystopian fiction and SF would know better than to give the reins of anything to an AI.

I have a grievance with the book publishing/selling/marketing industry. It’s 2023, why are we still placing stickers on books? If we have to do that, why hasn’t Science come up with a sticker that doesn’t leave a gummy residue behind? C’mon, Science, if you can’t give us a cure for cancer, a pill so people with Celiac disease can eat bread, or an Oreo that will help me lose weight—at least you can give us stickers that don’t leave gunk on our books! Especially, especially when it covers the ISBN number for those of us trying to scan them.

What’s worse than stickers are those things that look like stickers, but aren’t. Just stupid, garish circles that have been printed on the cover and really only serve to obscure the image. What’s the point?

I have a grievance with Movie/TV covers on books. C’mon people, this is stupid. Sure, it may help sell more copies of the books—but has any book been improved by one of these covers? No! Knock it off! And especially, stop it with sticking pictures of actors on books in a series that haven’t been adapted, just because some have (yeah, I’m looking at you, Longmire).

Similarly, what’s up with publishers changing the look of series covers—and or the height of the books—in a series? I like when they match and I resent having to go buy second copies of the old ones to have a nice matching set. (which I generally avoid, but I think about doing it a lot).

Whether it’s from a mainstream publisher, indie press, or a self-pubbed book, we have the technology and (theoretically??) the education so there’s no reason for there to be missing/extra punctuation or misspelled words in books. We all understand human error, some are going to slip through, but…

Obviously, this doesn’t apply to book blog posts. No one paid for these.

I have a grievance with the Book Blogging Community. There are way too many good book bloggers out there to keep up with. Some of you need to write less often! Also, you make the rest of us look bad.

I’ve got a grievance with running out of places to put books and bookshelves that aren’t like a bag of holding or TARDIS and can’t take an increasing number of books. So…physics, I guess. Yeah, that’s right, Laws of the Physics, I’m calling you out. Get your act together!

And what’s more…I lost my train of thought. Still, I managed to get a little off my chest, and that felt good.

And now, the Feats of Strength…

This was tricky to capture in a photo, but I think you can make it out…The Grandcritter is lifting my The Lord of the Rings Illustrated hardcover. Yes, one corner is resting on (read: digging into) my arm, but he’s picked up the other end on his own. All 3.54 lbs. of it–with one hand, mind you.

Let’s see how the rest of you do with your feats.

I hope you enjoyed this bit of fluff and regardless of what holidays/festivals you may or may not celebrate that you have a happy one!

* I’ve gotten a little feedback about this—it’s pretty clear I’m a Christian. So why do I do a Festivus post instead of something about Christmas? While I do think that believers have the liberty to celebrate the Nativity if they desire to, I’m ambivalent toward the day, and hesitant to make a big deal out of it. So, I don’t. If you’re curious, I thought this episode of The Heidelcast did a decent job of articulating many of the issues (without getting nasty about it).

On the other hand, Festivus is just silly fun. Hope you don’t mind…